- A Campaign of Denigration
- Weak,
Frivolous, and Absurd Reasons for Rejecting the Targeted Parent
When alienated children are questioned about the
reasons for their intense hostility toward the targeted parent, the
explanations offered are not of the magnitude that typically would lead a child
to reject a parent. These children may complain about the parent’s eating
habits, food preparation, or appearance. They may also make wild accusations
that could not possibly be true. The child will sometimes refuse to even offer a reason, claiming to have done so too many times before when that is not the case.
- Lack
of Ambivalence Toward His/Her Parents
The child claims to worship the alienating parent beyond what is appropriate, necessary, or realistic, while claiming to despise the targeted parent. Both responses are unrealistic and show an inability to see each parent as a mix of good and bad qualities. One parent is perceived as perfect while the other is perceived as
wholly flawed.
- Independent
Thinker Phenomenon
The child strenuously insists that the alienating parent played no role in his/her rejection of the targeted parent despite the alienating parent's obvious influence. T hey will adamantly insist that the
decision to reject the targeted parent is theirs alone. They deny that their
feelings about the targeted parent are in any way influenced by the alienating
parent and often invoke the concept of free will to describe their decision.
- Lack of Guilt Regarding Poor Treatment of the Targeted Parent
Alienated children typically appear rude,
ungrateful, spiteful, and cold toward the targeted parent, and appear to
be impervious to feelings of guilt about their harsh treatment. Gratitude for
gifts, favors, or child support provided by the targeted parent is nonexistent.
Children with parental alienation syndrome will try to get whatever they can
from that parent, declaring that it is owed to them.
- Reflexive
Support for the Alienating Parent in All Parental Conflicts
The child sides with the alienating parent, no matter how absurd, illogical, or inconsistent that parent's position is. There is no willingness
or attempt to be impartial when faced with interparental conflicts. Children
with parental alienation syndrome have no interest in hearing the targeted
parent’s point of view. Nothing the targeted parent could do or say makes any
difference to these children.
- Presence
of Borrowed Scenarios
The child uses words, phrases, and concepts that are not understood, cannot be defined, and are readily attributable to the ideas and beliefs of the alienating parent. Indications that a scenario is borrowed includes speaking in a scripted or
robotic fashion, as well as making accusations that cannot be supported with
detail.
- Spread of Animosity to Friends and Family of the Targeted Parent
The child cuts off and/or denigrates formerly beloved friends, neighbors, and family based on their association with the targeted parent. Formerly beloved
grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins are suddenly and completely avoided
and rejected.
from "Parental Alienation Syndrome — The Parent/Child Disconnect"
By Amy J. L. Baker, PhD
Social Work Today
Vol. 8 No. 6 P. 26
http://www.socialworktoday.com/archive/102708p26.shtml
* Parts also from Surviving Parental Alienation: A Journey of Hope and Healing, by Amy Baker and Paul Fine. Rowman and Littlefield. 2014.
* Parts also from Surviving Parental Alienation: A Journey of Hope and Healing, by Amy Baker and Paul Fine. Rowman and Littlefield. 2014.
11 comments:
I can check all eight points.
Luciana Rossi
I hope education will come to youth. They deserve to be educated about Parental Alienation, "the worst form of child abuse," just as they would about sexual or any other form of psychological and physical abuse.
For an excellent video series on parental alienation - along with a psychological diagnoses which fits within DSM-V - take a look here: https://www.youtube.com/user/padchildress/videos
Thanks for the link. I'll check it out.
Thanks for this educational blog
You're welcome. I hope it helps.
I've never felt a more painful pain than the pain of my beautiful daughter telling me, "she wants nothing to do with me, ever again." She has stopped all communications with me and my family. It's like I never existed. Just like that, she's gone....she's gone...How am I supposed to just "go on?" I don't understand...
I feel for you Kellie. That is one of the most painful things a parent can hear.
I’m am going thru this right now. I’m heartbroken. My son went to dads for week visit. Dad has refused to return our son. My son is 12 and for 12yrs lived with me. With no child support from dad. I gave dad open access to son. He could walk into my house and sleep over if he wanted because he lived further away. I made sure my son had two parents.
Father will not return son 8 weeks later after visits from police. He taught my son to hide from police. Son has spent entire summer in the house because the police will “snatch him up” or “kidnap him”
Son hates me now. He calls me a “liar” and tells me “his dad is a very honest person”
I can’t even call him anymore.. because I end up in tears. So I wait for him to call me and he doesn’t. I don’t even really know why I am a liar. Me and son were very close before he left and now I don’t recognize my own son.
Before son left I was only one who went to his graduation (6th grade) My son grabbed my hand and said “Mom you always have my back , your always there for me” I teared up. A special moment for any dad or mom! And now “you still see me just on holidays” And his two older brothers are targets now too.. who he was extremely close too. Both (in their 20s) took a day each month to just have one on one time and spend the entire day doing something with him. That wanted to be sure that he knew he was loved and they were never too busy for him. They’ve been cut out of his life too.
I understand wholeheartedly that pain.. it’s like your child is missing or something because the pain is so unbearable. I cry so much my eyes are swollen for days now. I have lost 15 lbs. I don’t sleep because I hear his voice in my dreams. Or have bad dreams. I am so sorry to any parent that goes this. I never even knew it was a thing or happened. Until it happened to me. Yesterday he called just to ask me to bring his electronics and birthday presents he left behind. When I tried to talk to him He told me “ my dads a very honest person”
I’m scared everyday if a judge lets my son live with his dad my sons future will be over.
I have court Tuesday for emergency custody. I technically have custody due to restraining order filed ten years ago and after a court investigation they gave me primary physical and him supervised visitation court ordered anger management , parenting, batters class
And he did none of it! I still let him see son
After a period of time and I realized he was never going to go. And now I think that was the biggest mistake of my life. His family is in on it to They tell my son the craziest stuff and my son believes all of it! He even enrolled our son in different school district.
I have court for emergency hearing but I don’t think I’ll win. And no attorney because I can’t afford one
My son is gone!
So sorry to hear this.
I agree that true instances of parental alienation are heart-breaking! I would never wish that experience on my worst enemy.
The problem is that parental alienation is being overused in divorce cases. My ex accused me of parental alienation, and I never did anything to warrant that accusation. He was not able to see that he had been verbally and psychologically abusive to me and to my children, and that is why they were, and still are, reluctant to see him. He yells and swears at them in public, calls them "little sh!ts" to their faces, has several drinks and then drives them in his car, etc. But the attorneys and the child rep in my divorce, once they heard that he accused me of parental alienation, twisted everything I said and did to protect my children from his abuse, so it looked like I was trying to limit his parenting time because I was being manipulative, not because my children were legitimately scared of him. Everything I did to try to make sure they had positive experiences with him, which would have helped him develop a positive relationship with them, was twisted into some sort of manipulative behavior designed to denigrate him or his family/friends.
For example, I called my ex's aunt because he wanted to take the children to visit his aunt and cousins. I called her simply to ask if she could make sure that the girls had fun there, because they were really anxious about traveling with their father without me. I asked her to maybe take them to the mall or to a movie, do fun girl stuff, since her father often spent "guy-time" with his uncle when he visited them. When my ex found out about the phone call, he told the child rep that I had called his aunt to badmouth him to his relatives, as part of my campaign of denigration.
The key factor in parental alienation is a previously loving and trusting relationship with the "targeted" parent. My children never really had that; when we were married, they always walked right past my ex and asked me for what they wanted. They rarely even saw him, because when he was home, he was usually watching TV or playing video games in another part of the house. But that is so often overlooked when these accusations are hurled at you. Because my ex accused me of parental alienation, we were court-ordered to participate in reunification therapy, which is ridiculously expensive (about $1000/week) and was a complete waste of time, since there was no actual alienation happening. Doing yoga with your abusive father for 15 minutes is not going to suddenly make you decide you want to be with him! One of the counselors charged us about $300 to go grocery shopping with my ex and the kids, since he literally had nothing but ketchup and beer in his fridge.
I implore attorneys, mental health professionals, and judges to PLEASE look at all of the factors in parental alienation cases, and to not just accept accusations at face value. There have to be evidence-based ways of actually determining whether parental alienation is occurring, before dragging families through even more stress.
Post a Comment